Growing Again

Once again, I have a new project in the works. It seems like I always have some new project I am working on. This one is different than all the rest of my projects, though. This one isn’t just mine. I get to work with three other wonderful women in the attempt to build something really amazing.

The idea behind this project is one that has been tossed around in theory for a while. It wasn’t until just recently that we got a shove and decided to move forward and act on it. As with every other project I get involved in, I’ve had my head buried so deeply in it that I don’t have time to look at or do much else.

It is a new experience for me to be working on an equal level with others like this. Each one of us has a different level of expertise and experience so we each contribute in our own ways with no one being more important than another. One of the beautiful things about that is that no one has to do anything that they don’t enjoy or aren’t comfortable with. I’m getting more of the technical side of things, which I always love.

It is a project that is going to require a lot of work. Once the foundation has been laid, then others will be brought in to help. I really thought that it would take a very long time to get it going, but the base work has gone really smoothly so far and hasn’t take nearly the time I’d expected. There is still so much to do, so I’m trying not to get ahead of myself.

I always love to see how things come together from nothing and grow into something. It is even more amazing to be a part of helping that growth. I am privileged and humbled in being chosen to be a part of this and with these women. Even more so that I can count them as some of my dearest friends.

New Family Member!

Yep!  We finally did it.  We found our new family member and adopted her yesterday.  She is a gorgeous 4 year old American Eskimo/Golden Retriever mix.  We have barely had her for 24 hours and she is already showing us how amazingly smart she is.

Izzy's first full day home - 2009

She is very quickly learning to mind while she is on her leash.  She is also being very good and learning to sit and wait when going outside or coming in.  We even had a moment just after getting her home yesterday when she got to meet our neighbor’s dog and was barely even phased by her.

Izzy - 2009

The shelter we got her from had her named Liza but she hadn’t taken to it.  We’ve opted for Izzy instead.  Bright girl that she is, she has already started to respond to it.  Not only is she being such a wonderful girl for me, but she just rolls on her back for a tummy rub whenever the kids come up to her.  She hasn’t even done much more than look at the cat.

I’m not sure how it is we managed to get so lucky with her, but I’m not complaining one little tiny bit.  I’m a very happy doggy mom.

Growing the Family?

Things have been quite interesting around here lately.  Last week a stray/runaway kitty found its way to our back door.  The poor thing was skin and bones, but had obviously been cared for at some point because it was wearing a flea collar.

We couldn’t bring her into the house because we didn’t know the state of her health and she was covered in ticks and fleas.  We already have an indoor cat and we weren’t willing to expose her to whatever the stray may have.

We put food and water out for her and even set up a little area for her that was protected from the rain.  After she was here for a couple of days, I managed to get her in a carrier and take her to the vet for a health evaluation.  The poor girl had multiple tics and burs pulled off of her and she got a flea/tick/ear mite treatment and a FIV test run which came back negative.  My vet also informed me that she’d had at least a couple of litters of kittens and wasn’t spayed.

That visit made me so angry.  How in the world could someone have a pet that they cared enough to put a collar on and not have it spayed or neutered and then just let it run, enough to where it ended up on my back patio half starved to death.  To make things worse, there had been another cat wanting to come near, but was too scared to actually come up to us as the other kitty had.  The second cat, I think is a male and related in some way to the first cat.  We can’t get close enough to him to know more or to get him to the vet.

The vet couldn’t do much more than what she did that day because they have a 7 day waiting period on any strays.  They insist on this to make certain that you have at least made an attempt to find the animal’s owner.  We couldn’t get this little kitty spayed.  Now that she is well fed and somewhat tick and flea free, she is feeling much better and has decided that she really doesn’t want to stick around.  We are going to see if we can manage to get a hold of her again and take her to be spayed.  I just can’t see letting her go free knowing that she has the potential to be having more kittens.

All of this brought about something of a chain of events for us.  When she first showed up, we thought that we would probably be able to get her healthy and bring her in.  She has shown that there will be no way to make her an indoor kitty and if we tried, she would not be happy.   The fact that we were considering bringing another animal into our home was a really big thing because both my hubby and I have been pretty set against it for a while.  This little kitty showed us that it was time to think about it again and that we actually were open to the idea.

When talking about the cat to my father-in-law, he mentioned that he was going to start looking for a dog.  This is something that both hubby and I are really excited about and are hugely supportive of because we feel that he could use the companionship.  Things have been really hard on him since my MIL passed.

We’d been scouring PetFinder in an attempt to help with the search, looking for dogs that we thought might be a good fit for my FIL.  In the process, we found a dog that WE would love to have.  We didn’t set out to find anything for ourselves, most especially not a dog.  Once we saw her, though, we were hooked.

She is a gorgeous 1 year old Border Collie and she is deaf.  There are so many challenges with her and I’m not certain I’d have been willing or able to take them on at any other time, but for some reason she has pulled at my heart and gotten it all tied up in knots.  I couldn’t sit back and see her go to anyone else.  I immediately contacted the place that had her listed and have started the processes of seeing if we can adopt her.

I spent a big chunk of my weekend doing research on raising a deaf dog and learning about what all that entails.  I’ve also done a bunch more research on the breed.  I want to be as ready as I can be if we do get approved.  I know she is going to be a lot of work.  Probably more work than I’ve ever put into anything outside of raising kids, but I’m really looking forward to it.

I am still at the waiting to hear back phase of all of this and it is beyond frustrating and nerve wracking, but one of the things I know I’m going to have to learn with this dog is patience.  I think she is already teaching me that.

Looking Back/Strangeness

My hubby recently started playing with FaceBook.  After listening to him go on and on about how much he was enjoying it, I caved and started playing myself.

I really didn’t expect much to come from it all considering the majority of my friends are online and members of my forum, so there is already a constant flow of interaction and conversation.  One more forum for that really wasn’t needed.  There is also the small fact that I really didn’t have much interest in connecting with anyone from school except for 2 or 3 friends I’d lost contact with over the years.

What I have found in the few days that I have been on the site is that a good chunk of the people that I knew then are still very much the same.  It is really kind of surreal to see how little some people have changed.  It sort of feels like I’m walking the halls of my high school again, watching the same people in the same groups, talking and acting the same.  The only real difference is the extra pounds, few wrinkles and the gray hairs that show up here and there (not that I have any room to talk there).

It all feels so odd to me.  Maybe because what I remember about that time of my life feels like they are memories from a completely different life.  It is sort of like trying to put on an outfit that is 10 or 20 years old.  Not only has your body changed (whether you have gained or lost weight, it has all shifted), but it is also so glaringly out of style that you wouldn’t dare go out in it.

The strangeness of it all has my mind going off in all different directions.  I do not think I will ever fully understand the desire to relive “the glory days”, especially when they weren’t all that glorious to begin with (for me anyway).  It makes you wonder about the level of happiness in their current phase of life to want to go back to a time full of crazy hormones and petty differences.

It also feels so strange to have to put guards in place that I don’t typically have a need for.  The part of me that comes out here is a very private part.  It isn’t a requirement that it be private, but it is a choice that I make.  It is made in part to protect those that I love (my kids and my husband), but also to keep the peace with the rest of those that I love that I know would never be comfortable with this part of me.

With family, this has been very easy.  It just isn’t something that I talk about.  I am still very much the eccentric that they have grown used to, they just don’t know the full background or reason for that eccentricity.  I do not feel the need to tattoo the nature of my spirituality to my forehead for the world to see.  Besides, all of my family has been around me since I began this path and only saw the gradual changes that have taken place over time.

It feels very different around people that knew me years ago.  Sort of like I’m trying to cram my foot in a shoe that is a size too small, even if it is a shoe I used to be able to fit into.  It just doesn’t fit.

This has all been a very eye opening experience for me.  I am able to see the areas in which I have changed and the areas that haven’t, both of which are surprising to see.  It also really emphasizes to me how great my life really is and how lucky I am to have the friends that I do.  The kind of friends that are always there with a hug, a laugh, a shoulder, a glass of wine, and not just when it is convenient for them.  They are there when you need them most.

I haven’t decided if I am done with FB just yet.  I think it is an experience I need and that there is something to gain from it.  I may be surprised at just what that is.

Passing it Along

A friend of mine shared this video with me.  It is just so beautiful, I can’t help but pass it along.  Have a tissue handy, you may need it.

http://www.couragecampaign.org/page/s/divorce

Oh, No!

I am so in trouble now.  I managed to figure out how to mess with the code and the CSS files for my forum to create new themes for it.  I’ve spent the last several days playing around and created 4 new themes and I am nowhere near done yet.  I have ideas and plans for at least that many more.

I tell you, this stuff is totally addictive.  It’s not like all the themes I create are going to be liked or used, it is just really fun coming up with new ideas to spruce the place up a bit.  I was getting tired of the old theme and wanted a change.  Once I figured out that I could create a copy of my base theme with all the modifications I’d done to the code to get all the features I wanted and needed on it without losing those changes, then allow the users to choose their own theme, I was lost.

As much of a pain in the butt it is to try and figure out what parts of the CSS file are controlling what sections of the page, it is also an exciting challenge to see if I can end up with something that looks half way decent when it is all said and done.

Next thing you know, I’ll be off buying my own domain for my blog here and messing with its layout.  Beware the CSS addiction!

Today

Today I have been running between feeling blah, being excited about new growth and floored by what that new growth brings.

The blah comes because I’m actually not feeling all that great.  I didn’t sleep well last night and woke up this morning with an awful headache.  I’m feeling better now, but that kind of comes and goes.  I’ve made some wonderful tea (a recipe given to me by a dear friend) and that is helping.  I will most likely have more before I go to bed to help ensure that I get the sleep I need.

I have also been really excited about seeing the Lodge start to grow.  I was overwhelmed by the response we got after going public and now with the addition of some really amazing fellas.  It is just incredible to see their bravery in stepping into a den that has been all female for over a year now and not be fazed by it one bit.  I have to say, I am impressed.  I don’t know how well I would do if the situation was reversed.

There have been a few bumps or two along the way.  I’ve found that running a board does involve creating boundaries and taking stands that I didn’t expect to have to take, but even that is good.  I’m learning a lot about myself in this process.  As much as I love to believe in the best in people, there are just some that don’t have much “best” in them.  I have found that I can be hard and strong when the world demands it.

One thing I’ve been doing over the last several weeks is watching people.  Whether that is in life or online, either way things have been very interesting.  It seems there are a lot of people going through much turmoil and chaos.  It is fascinating to me to see how each person handles it and where it takes them.  It is almost as though in sitting back and watching from a distance, you can see little bits of their personality slipping unnoticed from behind the walls we build to hide our true selves whether we do so consciously or not.

When I see some of these things revealed, I wonder how much of that I end up showing or what my walls are hiding.  There are times when I see familiar bits reflected, but not always.  I also think about my own turmoil and chaos and wonder why it doesn’t seem to be ripping apart my world as it is for many others.  Is it because I haven’t gotten to that point yet, if I’ve already gone through it or if it is because of something else?

It feels a bit strange, as though I’m sitting and watching a storm from a safe distance.  I also feel as though my safety is provided by the very people around me, that by simply having them in my life, they have helped to build whatever it is that provides the protection.  I know that if and when my chaos does come, they will be there with me through it all.

The gratitude I have for all of the people that touch my life, whether in large or small ways, is just beyond words.

Continued Growth

Part of my frustration this morning with having my server go down is that it threw a bit of wrench into my plans for this morning.  I had intended to be able to make a few final tweaks before coming here and talking about another new growth spurt, but when I logged in this morning and found everything unavailable, it put that on hold.  Now that the server issues have been fixed, I can move forward with those plans.

Back in November, I opened up my private women’s forum, Circle Lodge, to the public.  At the time, it was decided that it would stay a women’s only group and that we’d see how it grew.  Since then, we’ve decided that we would like to offer the same wonderful environment to men as well.

This new change will allow both men and women to interact and have conversations with each other in a safe, comfortable atmosphere.  We will also have separate boards for each group, allowing them to have a level of privacy and security for conversations more comfortably discussed with members of your own gender.

Considering we have been a group of only women for over a year, this will be a huge change.  The gentlemen that would join, would have a certain level of responsibility to help shape the environment that will be theirs alone since it doesn’t currently exist, but that will be part of the fun.

Circle Lodge will still remain semi-private in that there are a few hoops to jump through to join (put there to help ensure that it stays a safe and comfortable place) and a few criteria that must be met, but still relatively easy to join.  We look forward to the spark that the men can bring to our conversations and hope that you will stop by for a chat.

Endings and Beginnings

I am beginning to find that I am writing more and more for myself as of late.  I do not see that as a bad thing at all, especially when you consider that is pretty much the reason why this blog exists to begin with.  Since starting this blog, I’ve seen many fellow bloggers and friends come and go, so seeing two different friends closing their blogs shouldn’t come as a shock.  It is sad and I will miss them both, but I also understand their reasons for doing so and I wish them both the very best.

Today is then much like many other days and is one of endings and new beginnings.  As I say farewell to a couple of friends, I welcome in this new surge of creative energy.  I have a lot of things that are in the works and ideas that are stewing around waiting to be either brought into reality or dropped for something that fits a bit better.

One of the things that is in the works is introducing another new product over at Shades.  This line doesn’t quite fit in with all the other things that I have, but I’m listing it as a favor to my mom.  She is carrying on a family tradition of making these luscious flannel baby blankets.  In my family, they are called Grandma Blankets.  The style can be done in pretty much any size, but what she has done right now are just the baby/toddler sizes.  I’m hoping to have them all up and listed in the next several weeks.

There are a couple of other new products that I’m researching at the moment.  Those all hinge on whether or not I can find a supply source that is reasonably priced, though.  That is always one of my biggest issues with anything that I’d like to add, finding a source that doesn’t force me to put such a high price on the things I’d like to list.

For today though, I have some rather boring things to take care of (like laundry and running errands), but I will do it in relative peace and quiet.  Today is the first day that Hubby and the kids are back to work and school after a long holiday break.

It is such a peaceful morning.  Sitting here listening to the hum of the furnace and watching the clouds pass across the low hanging, hazy sun.  I will only have a few more hours of this before the tranquility is broken and my youngest is home.  Until then, I will sit in the silence with my coffee and enjoy this gift.

Experiencing the Turn

If you had asked me last year if I felt in tune with the turning of the wheel and the ever progressing, but continuing cycle of life, I would have had to say no.  If you were to ask me the same question today, it would be a very different answer.

This last year started with some rather ugly emotions and a rather tattered view of much that I had previously felt as very strong and solid.  I was forced to look at myself very differently and the ugly and tattered were quickly released to make room for a whirlwind of creativity, growth and a new found sense of confidence that I’d never had before.

I was able to ride that incredible wave beyond the new year and well into Spring and Summer when things started to fall into a lazy, relaxed routine that was so very comfortable.  I wasn’t pushed as much with the creative frenzy that I’d started the year out with, but it wasn’t gone altogether.

As fall began to show signs of setting in so did lots of other changes.  It seemed that not only were the leaves fading quickly from their brief burst of glory, but so was much of what had propelled me this far into the year.  I experienced a great loss with my mother-in-law.  Not long after beginning to feel as though I was gaining my feet after that, the mess with my nephew turned it all upside down again.

The last several months have been very much about a drawing into myself.  I haven’t been all that creative, even though I have many projects begging to be worked on.  To say I’ve been doing a bit of hibernating would kind of be an understatement.

I had been beginning to think that it was the combination of the stresses of family life and the bitter cold of winter that was forcing this desire to burrow.  That thinking has begun to change over the last several days.  Ever since Yule, to be precise.

It feels very much like I have turned a corner, right along with the sun.  The creative sap that has been thick and unmoving seems to be flowing a bit more freely, picking up speed with each day.  I have had more desire to get out and do things, to move, to feel.

Feeling the ideas flowing and the desire to get to work creating something is wonderful.  Actually, it feels very much like I did at the beginning of the year, without the tattered or the ugly still clinging to me.  Right now, I feel fresh and new, sort of like outside right after a quiet snowfall.