That whole experience led me to attempt to get some shopping done.  It was actually really frustrating.  The style of most everything on the market right now is really pretty hideous to me, so I struggled to even find a few things to try on.  None of them ended up being worth spending the money on.  I am kind of stuck in the middle between two sizes at the moment, which makes it even more difficult.  Then there is, yet again, the cost involved.  The last thing I want to do is spend $50 on a shirt or a pair of shorts that I’ll only be in for another few months, but I also don’t want to just settle for something that I don’t like at all just because it is cheep.

It isn’t helping that I’m having a really hard time figuring out where to even look.  I spent the last several years really only having a couple of options for shopping for myself because I was in the plus sizes, so deciding where to look wasn’t all that difficult because there just weren’t many places around that carried plus sizes that didn’t end up making a woman look like she was wearing a circus tent.  Now that I can’t shop in those stores, I don’t even know where to begin.  I ended up dragging Hubby all over on Saturday looking at a ton of different places and still didn’t have much success at all.

The one success I did end up with was, shock of all shocks, a swim suit.  How incredibly strange is it that I found a swim suit that looked better than most of the clothes I tried on.  That has NEVER happened to me.  Any woman who has ever going swim suit shopping knows that the manufacturers do an incredible job of highlighting all the absolute worst areas of a woman’s body in their suits and shopping for one is usually utter torture.  I was stunned when I was trying suits on that I wasn’t absolutely disgusted by the process.  I don’t think I felt like that even when I was a relatively fit teenager!

Even more shocking to me was the size that I ended up getting.  I am seriously floored about that because I ended up getting a size 10.   I know that this particular brand or suit must run a bit on the big size because I was trying 12s on in all the pants and most were on the just fitting to slightly too tight side (the indication that I am between a 12 and a 14 at this point).  Still, I never would have even begun to imagine that I’d ever buy anything in a size 10 for myself ever again.

It isn’t quite as nicely fitting as the larger size, but I know that I’ll still be losing weight between now and when we open the pool and the larger size was just big enough that I thought I’d have issues with it once I got in the water (had that problem with my suits by the end of the season last year).  I also had a couple of older 1 pieces that I bought when my middle kid was around 1 and we had him in water babies classes at the Y.  Last time I tried them on they were still too small and I hated the way my legs looked in them without having some sort of skirt on the bottom.  I tried them both on again yesterday and they both fit really well and actually looked okay in the leg area.  Another belief in what my body could or couldn’t become shot to hell.  I can actually wear a swim suit without a skirt on it and not feel horrible in it.

Way back before I ever started on this journey, Hubby and I would have conversations and I told him over and over that I’d never have my hips or my stomach area look good.  I’ve had three kids and each one of those pregnancies did a number on my body.  I thought for certain that I would forever have a pooch big enough to make me look like I was at least a little pregnant and big, broad hips that forced me into 2 sizes larger than what I’d wear on top.  Part of why I felt that way was that any time in the past that I’d lost any weight at all, those were the two areas that saw the least amount of change.  This time around, they have both been drastically effected.  So much so, it is kind of a shock to see my body.

When I was at my heaviest, I wasn’t totally comfortable with how I looked.  That is obvious in some of the choices of clothes I made.  I wasn’t horrified by it either.  I felt like I did a pretty good job of making sure that what I wore was as flattering as it could be.  Seeing myself now, I realize how uncomfortable I really was in my own skin.  I love the way I’m looking now and it feels amazing.  It helps to have every single person around you acknowledge and comment on it as well.  I’ve been flirted with in the most shameless way from my favorite gem guy at the gem show.  All three of my kids made incredibly flattering comments to me (which is pretty rare as they are kids and absorbed so solely in their own worlds most of the time that they just don’t notice anything around them) and had Hubby’s jaw drop when he came home and saw me in what I saw as just an nice, flattering outfit, but he apparently saw as much more.

My goal in all of this, from the very beginning was to get healthier.  I am absolutely doing that and I physically feel better then I think I ever have.  Getting to the point where I’m not just comfortable in my own skin, but becoming really happy there, is not something I ever expected or even thought possible.  For once in my life, I’m enjoying having my expectations trashed so completely.

I cannot remember the last time I looked into the mirror and not been utterly disgusted with at least one small part of what I saw.  I’m no where near perfect, by any reasoning, but I feel really good about what looks back at me now.  Not just because of how I look, but because I know that what I’m seeing is a healthier version of me and that that health is showing in so many ways.

I’m not done yet and I know that from here on out, it is just going to get harder.  I’ve felt incredibly lazy this winter, but as we get closer and closer to the spring warm up, I’m getting more and more antsy to get out and get moving again.  The incredibly unseasonal weather we’ve been having has me rather hopeful that I’ll be able to get the pool opened up early this year and I can get back to the swimming that I fell in love with last year.  The timing of when I’ve hit this point really couldn’t have been better.  It would be too easy to say, “Wow!  That is a lot.  That should be good enough” and just not do any more.  If I’d hit that 50 pound mark back in October or November, I think it may have been too easy to do just that.

Hubby and I were talking about it the other day because I’m going to be in a horrid position once we start transitioning out of winter clothes as NOTHING I own fits at this point so I will not have a choice but to do some shopping.  For the first time since probably when Hubby and I got married, I’ll be able to shop in the regular women’s section instead of the plus sized section.  It also means that I will have a LOT more choice in what I buy.  You would think that I’d have no problem finding things, but I’m discovering that I’m becoming incredibly picky because I’m actually in a position to create a certain style for myself.  When you have to buy only plus sized clothing, you really don’t have an awful lot of choices about what you wear so choosing a style is almost impossible.  I’m still a little frustrated by it because I’ll be forced to buy things that I probably won’t be able to wear long as I know I’m not done yet.  I’d hate to find something I really love and have to give it up again in a few months.  I’m just trying to remind myself that it is just one reward for all the hard work I’ve done up to this point.

Besides shocking myself with my level of determination and commitment to getting healthier, I’ve been spending a bit of time in the studio on a couple more custom pieces.  The first was a bracelet in a style that I’ve come to really enjoy working with.

Septarian, Citrine and Smoky Quartz Bracelet - Shades of Midnight

The other project was a necklace and earrings set.  After doing a dragon in PMC last year, it was interesting to try and create another dragon, but using an entirely different method.  It was all created by hand using silver plate and wire with the exception of the chain and the pent (which was provided by my client).  I was really pleased with how this one turned out.

Amber Dragon Necklace - Shades of Midnight

Sterling Silver and Amber Earrings - Shades of Midnight

The spring gem show is this weekend.  I’m really excited to see what I find this time.  I’ve broadened my ability to work with and use faceted stones, so that may be one of my focuses this time around.

Yeah, life is good.

I finally decided that my goal of getting outside for 30 minutes a day just wasn’t going to work for me at this point, so I have set that one aside until I actually feel like it will do something for me.  I have been sticking with my movement goal, even if it has just been hitting the minimum of 5 minutes.  It is better than nothing at all, so I’m taking what good I can from it at the moment. I know that once the weather starts to get better, my motivation will finally get back.  I’m already starting to feel the desire to get up and move more than the desire to stay snuggled under the blankets.

I have now lost a total of 47 1/2 pounds, which is just kind of incredible.  I know that I’m a long way away from being done, even though I don’t have a hard goal.  Feeling the way I do now and knowing that I will feel even better if I keep going is what is keeping me from saying, “Dang!  That is a lot of weight!  That should be good enough.  I can be done now”.  It is going to be harder from here on as I keep dropping the weight because I’m that much closer to where I “should” be, though I will probably NEVER be that number (and I don’t exactly think that BMI numbers are actually indicative of actual health).

Other than being on the lazy side lately with my nose buried in books, I’m back in the studio working on another custom piece.  I’ve also now gone through 2 of the 3 kids birthdays.  That means 2 marathon cake baking events.  One for Middle Child produced a Halo Grunt cake (which although the cake itself came out pretty cool, that thing is UGLY!!)

Halo Grunt Cake - TJFox - 2012

The second cake round was for Baby Girl.  Since she wanted to have a makeup and dress-up party, we had to go with the ultimate in girly.

Girly Cake - TJFox - 2012

I’ve got quite a bit on my plate studio wise lately.  Besides the current project (a bracelet), I have two pendants and a tie thingy (it isn’t a tack exactly, so I don’t really know what to call it at this point) on the to do list.  I also have a couple of pieces for myself that I’ve been wanting to work on, but haven’t gotten around to yet (part of the lazy bug that has been so hard to get rid of).

I also got a blog award the other day and I need to get the post up about that, but a huge thanks to DragonFae will have to do for now.

I’ve been keeping up with my commitments and managed to loose another 2 1/2 pounds in the last couple of weeks.  I have officially lost 41.5 pounds since all of this began.  That number is somewhat astonishing to me.  I have never lost that much weight in my life. Then again, I’d never gotten as heavy as I had before either.  To think that I’ve lost nearly as much as my daughter weighs is just… wow.

Things are crazy busy around here right now.  We have a lot of various events to attend in the next couple of weeks with the family commitments and things for the kids.  We just took Baby Girl to see her first Nutcracker and that was the most fun I’ve had in so long.  Getting to experience it anew through her eyes was just amazing.  I’ve also got a ton of stuff on my to do list that I need to get done before the end of the year.  Getting all of my websites upgraded is just a fraction of what is on my plate at the moment.  In an effort to not overwhelm myself, I’m going to take a bit of a break until after the first of the year. Both with blogging and with keeping rigid track of my calories.  I want to be able to spend this time focused on family and not what I’m taking in.  I’m not letting go completely, but I’m not going to spend an awful lot of time and stress over trying to keep track of it all.  If I find a few minutes here or there, I may stop in.  If not, I wish all my wonderful friends an amazing holiday season full of wonder, joy and magic.

Weight loss or no, I’m having to really spend some time thinking about why I have chosen to make these commitments to myself.  The better choices commitment is obvious.  It is about becoming a healthier person and to feel better overall.  The movement commitment of my daily challenge is supposed to help me with that, though this one seems to be my hardest one to consistently meet more than my minimum goal every day.  The outdoor commitment falls into an entirely different area.  It is supposed to be more of a spiritual goal, something to help me to reconnect and to appreciate all of the beauty and magic of the world around me.  I am also struggling with this one.  I’m not having too much of a problem of getting more than my minimum goal of 5 minutes a day, but I rarely get all 30 of my ideal goal.  It also feels more like I’m just doing what I need to do to endure that time rather than finding something in it to enjoy and appreciate.

I knew it wouldn’t all be easy.  If it were, I’d already be doing it all and wouldn’t need this challenge and commitment to myself.  I am beginning to see what of all of this is really important to me when there are certain aspects that I become more frustrated with myself over for not accomplishing or feel really good about when I do meet those goals.  I have a feeling it is going to be a very interesting year if I’m having all of this going on this early in the challenge.

The first half of the week, I still kept track of what I was eating, though I wasn’t really trying to stay within a calorie goal.  I don’t think I did horrible since I was really aware of what I was doing.  The last half of the week (pretty much Thanksgiving day and on), I didn’t keep track at all and I did a pretty poor job of making healthy choices.  Hubby wasn’t a whole lot of help with the constant reminders of “You’re on vacation!  You can have another dessert!”  I realized it didn’t take much convincing on his part for me to just ignore most of the good habits I managed to get myself into.  I ate several times when I really wasn’t all that hungry just because it was there.  Many times I found myself thinking “I better eat this now because come next week, I won’t be doing this anymore” even if I really didn’t want something, hungry or not.  In all of that, I ended up with a horrible case of indigestion by the end of the week for the first time in months and I’d gained a pound and a half. Overall, I felt pretty crummy by the end of the week and it seems to be taking a bit to get back to feeling decent again.

I know now that I will have to change my typical holiday routines and baking as I really don’t want or need all the extra stuff around the house.  It doesn’t matter if it is a holiday or a special occasion, there really is no reason to not still try and eat healthy.  There is also no reason to deny myself the things I enjoy, but I’m not going to enjoy them much if I’m eating too much of them or forcing myself to eat them just because they are there.  I really am much happier and much more satisfied if I just stick to the smaller amounts and be done.  There really is such a thing as too much of a good thing.

I didn’t do horrible on my daily challenge last week.  With all the decorating for the holidays getting done, I had no problem reaching my movement commitment.  The outdoor commitment was about as easy to meet with the exception of the day we were working on the indoor decorating.  I didn’t even realize that I hadn’t stepped foot outside all day until we were getting ready for bed.  I was really frustrated with myself that I couldn’t even manage the 5 minute minimum that day.  I am struggling to remember to connect while doing either of those so I need to figure out something that keeps that in mind.

I knew the daily challenge would be difficult on some days, but I really didn’t expect it to be quite this difficult to get myself outside.  The cold is still having a pretty big impact on me, even with all the layers, though they do help.  I’ve gotten to the point where I’m almost constantly in two shirts and a zip up sweatshirt kind of thing and I’m still cold.  It isn’t very easy to be able to appreciate nature when you are shivering and cursing at it.  I am beginning to wonder if starting this challenge at this time of year was the wisest thing for me to do, but I’m in the middle of it and will keep going.  I may look like an idiot sitting on the front porch bundled in 10 blankets, but I’m determined to do this.

For now, it will be a week of shopping, decorating, eating and just enjoying family.  A lot of which is already going one.  I hope all my blogging family has an amazing Thanksgiving!

I lost another pound and a half this last week breaking me through one of my smaller goals.  I’m flirting with numbers that I haven’t seen since Hubby and I got together 11 years ago.  I’m so very close to that, but probably won’t see those for another month or so.  It is interesting that I feel like I look better and feel healthier now than I did back then even though I’m still a little heavier.

I managed to meet my daily challenge commitments last week, but I found it rather difficult to do more than just my minimum on the movement challenge.  I think it has been a couple of weeks since I’ve gotten downstairs to do any kind of weights.  I did manage to get in a couple of walks last week, even convincing Hubby and the kids to go with me, which was really nice.  It wasn’t all that long ago that I really didn’t want anyone with me when I was walking because I hated feeling like I was too out of shape to keep up.  Now, I really enjoy having the company.  It has been hard to drum up the motivation and desire to get up and move.  I’m doing a little better with the cold now that I’m doing more layers and the weather has been nicer, but those cold days are still the hardest.

I’ve been doing a lot of sitting on the front porch and reading in the mornings after my daughter gets on the bus.  I’ve found that I like the quiet of that time of day.  I do wish that our house faced East so that I’d be sitting in the sun or watching the sun come up while sitting there, but we don’t.  I could always move to the back after she gets on the bus, but I’ve really enjoyed watching the tree out front go from green to a vivid brick red and then shedding all that lovely color.  We don’t have any mature trees in the back yet.  At least none close enough to really enjoy.  The trees that are well beyond our property have all been bare or nearly there for a few weeks.  All of the color seems to be out front with the Maple in the front yard and the Barberries that are also going through some dramatic colors.

Sunset on the Farm - TJFox - 2011

The next week is going to be interesting to see how well I do with my commitments and trying to stick with making better choices with Thanksgiving and Hubby potentially being home all next week.  At least I’ll be hosting the family dinner here this year, so I have some control over the menu and how everything is prepared.  Our dinner tends to lean very heavily towards lots of really starchy foods, so I’m going to have to see what I can do to modify that enough to make it a bit healthier.

Since beginning this whole getting healthier thing, I’ve really seen how my choices and actions are impacting those around me.  My kids are now asking at meals if something is whole wheat and being all excited about the fact that it is, even the brownies I made this week, and tell me that they like the whole wheat/whole grain versions better (which I think is just absolutely hilarious).  They are more excited about getting outside and going for a walk or riding their bikes.  Hubby has commented on how good he is feeling overall.  Even my mom, who has also been attempting to loose weight, is starting to try and implement some of the changes I’ve made to help her as she has seen how well it has been working for me.  It is really exciting to see that my choices to be healthier are not just working for me, but are sinking in and making an impact on my family.  I especially feel good that my kids are watching and getting some positive influence from it so that maybe they will already be making healthy decisions and have healthy relationships with food by the time they are my age.  It is so much easier to be doing things the right way from the beginning rather than having to make major changes mid stream and have to break lots of bad habits later.

My weigh in this week was on the surprising side.  I honestly didn’t expect to lose much if any weight as I didn’t really get in the exercise that I’d wanted to, so it was a bit of a shock to get on the scale to discover I’d lost another 2 pounds.  That is 35 pounds now.  Just wow.  I’m at a point where it is really tempting to say that it is all good enough and stop, but I know that I really am not at that really healthy point yet.  I do feel immensely better than I did when I started this particular journey, but I want to feel even better.  With it starting to get much colder (depending on the day, Mother Nature is still acting somewhat like a woman going through menopause at the moment), it is becoming harder and harder to get the motivation to get up and move.  It will take even more determination than I’ve had up to this point to keep it going.

I had kind of hoped that the daily challenge would help with that motivation, but the movement part of my goals has been the hardest to hit.  Granted, this last week has been kind of crazy with Halloween and the mess that created and needed to be cleaned up and other random things that always seem to crop up as the perfect excuse to not get up and move.  I did get in a nice walk earlier in the week, but that was about it for any extended moving.  I did meet my commitment every day on the minimum of at least 5 minutes by doing some stretching.

The outdoor part of my commitment and the connecting part has been a bit easier.  I managed to meet my ideal goal in both every day last week with the exception of one day that it was just colder than I could stand that day.  I did get out there for a little over 5 minutes, but not the full 30.  The cold has been really hard on me this year.  More so than normal even though I’ve always been cold when everyone else is comfortable.  I guess not having that extra insulation is having an effect.  I picked up a couple of shirts and some tights to give me some layering options to hopefully help with that.

I am really hoping that I can establish some sort of a routine that helps me to meet and stick with all of my commitments a little better, but I haven’t quite figured out how to do that yet.  It would also help if I didn’t have 50 million other problems distracting me that have decided to rear their ugly head over the last several days.  I really, really didn’t need to hear that the water that came into the basement with last night’s rain wasn’t actually due to something the window guys did but was just part of a much larger problem that has been ongoing for quite some time.  That I did NOT want to hear today.